The Pedestal Magazine > Archives > THE POLITICAL ANTHOLOGY > Non-Fiction >Patricia F. Dascoli - Hair Factor

I admit it I'm a political dummy. I know next to nothing about what goes on in Washington and even less about who makes it go on.

This never seemed to matter before, though. I simply voted for the candidate with the best hair. The hair factor seemed to be appropriate presidential criteria, considering how for many men, having hair seems to go hand in hand with self-confidence.

But now that I am trying to pursue a career as an opinion writer of sorts, I figured it was probably time to educate myself on the basics of politics. After all, political columns seem to be awfully popular, particularly during an election year.

I realized how politically ignorant I was when I could not even identify the fundamental beliefs that went into being a Republican or a Democrat. As a registered voter (independent) I figured it was probably a good idea to acquaint myself with a candidate's beliefs before giving him my vote.

Unfortunately, beyond recognizing who has the best head of hair, my political knowledge to date seems to be limited to identifying Republicans with elephants and Democrats with donkeys.

It turns out that there is really nothing elephant-like about Republicans, except maybe that they now find themselves in a bit of a three ring circus. Similarly, the only donkey-like thing about Democrats is that those currently vying for the White House have incredibly big teeth.

Somehow these animal analogies are not very helpful in understanding either political party. The elephant and the donkey are not particularly flattering symbols anyway. Perhaps it's time for the parties to choose new mascots.

In an effort to better understand the political parties, I turned to my dictionary for help. The definitions for Republican and Democrat were not very illuminating, however. Apparently Republicans tend to be more conservative (moderate or cautious) and Democrats more liberal (not narrow in opinion or judgment).

They are also respectively described as being to the right or to the left. But these words used in connection with a political candidate's views make it even more difficult to grasp exactly what it is a politician believes in.

Politicians are actually more chameleon-like in their approach to where they stand on various issues. They have a great ability to change in subtle fashion to suit a particular occasion. Vagueness seems to be a desirable quality among politicians as well. Being able to dance all the way around a question without actually answering it also appears to be characteristic of many politicians.

Perhaps it's simply all part of the mass appeal process.

I do know that a political party apparently has a platform which includes the usual hot button issues and a few more thrown in for good measure. This platform and a candidate's agenda are both associated with a lot of mumbo-jumbo (rhetoric). Phrases like health care initiatives and deficit spending invariably put me to sleep on the few occasions when I actually watched the elephants or donkeys on television.

It sounds like they are pretty much saying the same thing, more or less.

Politicians are basically full of hot air and other substances not worth mentioning here. Perhaps that is why I never attempted to acquaint myself with their supposed ideology. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what they say on the campaign trail. Because once they get to Washington, It's another story. So what's the difference whether we have a Republican or Democrat in the White House?

In the end, it turns out that I remain completely unqualified to pass any sort of rational judgment on either of the presidential candidates - except to say that John Kerry definitely has a better head of hair than George W. Bush.
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